Asteriscus hierochunticus
by Sara Nublas
Summary: Emily is not planning to join the team again, because she doesn't think she deserves a second chance, but an unexpected twist of events and a friend in danger will convince her otherwise. Spoilers to 'Lauren'. All team involved. Prentiss-Morgan hints.
1. Chapter 1

_I thought a lot whether to write a story inspired to Lauren, and in the end I decided that worst case scenario it would be at least therapeutic and help me coping with the news about Emily's final fate._

_As usual I am very happy to receive comments and criticism!_

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**Asteriscus hierochunticus**

There are some stories you can't tell, nightmares you can't recount because they're too horrible; they are unspeakable shadows clamping your heart, holding your breath, clenching your jaw.  
There are some horrors that you have to keep locked into your closet, you don't let them out, but deal with them in solitude.

Sometimes it gets too much and you can't control the solitude, the grief for what you've lost, the memory of who you left behind, the awareness that you don't, you cannot have a future, nothing to hope for, nothing to hold on to. When those moments come, you close yourself in a dark room, you scream your suffering, cry your tears and once you're done, you change clothes, dye your hair and vanish, again.

Sometimes you meet decent people who care for you, whom you care for. You get comfortable enough to believe that this time you got settled, that what they know about you it's enough, they don't need to dig more, there's no need for you to expose that stain. What counts is who you are now, no matter if you don't know exactly whether the present you is the real you.

Emily, the ambassador's daughter, who questioned every rule and authority. Lauren, the arm dealer who slept with the enemy in order to save her own life, his son and god knows how many other innocents. Emily Prentiss, the FBI profiler who works with her team, which is also her family, a dysfunctional, unconventional, but truly loving family.  
Are those different faces or just different layers of the same person, each one whether you like it or not, contributing to the complex human being you are now?  
What about the multitude of identities who covered your tracks and movements during the past nine months?  
And what if one of those layers simply doesn't want to let go? What if you get stuck into a limbo where you cannot go back, either move on? How do you get over it?  
You spend each single breathing moment of your life hunting down who did this to you and making sure he doesn't get close to your beloved, caring about them in the distance because there is no other option.

She slowly moved toward the window unbuttoning her shirt, in front of her room a huge billboard covered with the advertisement of an eau de cologne, portraying two strangers meeting in the middle of the street and accidentally touching each other, and obviously matching the fire of eternal love with the complicity of the magnetic scent.

She wondered when was the last time someone touched her, held her or simply gave her words of comfort. She immediately reminded of his hands holding hers, his voice talking to her, not letting her slip away, stating that he knew and was proud. Was he sincere or was he just talking out of mercy for the woman agonizing at his feet? For Derek Morgan trust needed to be earned and it wasn't easy to have it back once betrayed his friendship.

Her hand brushed the outline of the scar on her chest, she honestly didn't know if any man would ever touch her again, if she ever let anyone come near her, and if she still remembered how to deal with people?

The hardest thing was to know that she was now a shadow. It was not like if she went missing and someone was looking for her, nobody was waiting for her return, she was dead; people had mourned and slowly adjusted to live their life without her.

Over the past nine months she had been imagining the day she would have met them again, with anticipation and fear. She betrayed them running away, for good reasons but still she left without saying a damn goodbye, then she faked her death and lived elsewhere while they were left struggling with the aftermath of her death, with thousands questions, with regret, with rage and unfinished business. How could she come back and hope for a second chance?

She had written many letters in the past months, to apologize, to explain, to heal, all of them were stashed in a box and never meant to be sent. As painful as it was the safest and healthiest solution was for her friends to believe she was dead, even though this meant hell for her.

She threw the rest of her clothes on the bed and went for a shower, the bathroom was filled with vapor and she was wrapping a towel around her body when she heard the click of the door lock getting opened.  
She instantly grabbed the gun left near the sink and creeped behind the door holding her breath, her eyes went wide when a familiar voice reached her "Ne t'inquiète pas, ces't moi"

"Ce que tu fais ici?" she came out of the bathroom with her gun pointed at the man, who was supposed to believe her dead.

"That's not a nice way to welcome an old friend, darling" he commented, arms opened in surrender "but if you want to search me for a gun I won't complain" he added then with a mischievous grin.

"I'm not joking Clyde. What are you doing here?" she insisted.

"I'm here to help you Emily. And to be honest I already proved to be trustworthy last time, even though you wouldn't believe me" he kept his calm.

Emily remembered that conversation months before and how her decisions had Tsia killed, and finally lowered her gun.

"Now, as much as I appreciate this attire I think this conversation requires you to be fully dressed" he carried on with his usual sarcasm.

Emily shot a look at him, "Should I remind you that this is my room and you broke in without permission?" she commented before picking her clothes and disappearing into the bathroom.

"So how did you find me? Only few people know that I'm alive and just one is informed about my location" she asked once she emerged from the bathroom, in jeans and shirt.

"I was informed by your status by Agent Jereau, I needed a skillful agent for a mission and she pointed me one"

Emily gave him a confused look.

"Oui, mon chery. You're back in with immediate effect" he added, this time no sign of sarcasm or joke on his face.

"Why me? I have been inactive for months, I am not updated and right now my orders are to lay low, I don't.."

"It's Doyle, Emily" he cut the story short and finally obtained her full attention.

"After your departure we grieved and then we got back to work to find the son of a bitch and solve the problem once for all. We knew it wouldn't be possible to track him down but we had an advantage he wasn't aware of, we knew what he was after. So we gave him what he wanted and used him as a bait" Clyde explained leaning against the window, occasionally staring at the billboard with curiosity.

Emily's heart stopped "Please tell me you didn't use the kid as leverage"

"No we didn't. We couldn't have even if we wanted since you didn't reveal his location and _you were dead_… But we left a thread of very believable breadcrumbs, easy enough to follow, difficult enough to track so he wouldn't smell the trap. And it worked."

"How do you know that? How do you know that he's not playing you along?" she objected with diffidence. Ian was unrivaled when it came to plan his steps and all the possible back up solutions, she had experienced it on her own skin.

"We know it because we drew him out of his hole and finally after months our roles are reversed, he's the prey and I'm the hunter. And I swear I'm not going to miss the shot this time"

Emily realized that in all those months she'd been hiding, but Clyde, who was also one of Ian's target, went on working in plain sight under the constant risk of being next Doyle's victim. Suddenly she felt almost relaxed at the idea of having someone who was sharing the same fight, the same aim. But still she didn't understand why he came to her "Clyde, if you are confident about catching him what am I needed for?"

"Well," he finally got to the point knowing she wouldn't have liked it "everything was proceeding fine until a certain technical analyst started looking where she wasn't supposed to and got to the trail we left for Doyle. Of course all your friends were more than happy to take on the hunting party and since you were right and they are the best, now they are dangerously close to the truth. As much as I respect them for saving you, I can't let your team interfere with this operation."

"Why don't you talk to Hotch? Why JJ sent you here? You know that I cannot do anything" she asked confused.

"Oh, this is not true darling and you know that. Once Doyle is out of the picture you can come back to your old life, what I'm asking you is to reappear a little bit earlier than planned in order to distract your team while I neutralize Doyle" He immediately understood he had said something wrong because Emily's face suddenly became a mask of fear, had he asked her to throw herself in Doyle's arms she should have taken it more lightly.

"Clyde… I , I can't go back to my team. What am I supposed to tell them? How can I even get them to look at me and listen to an explanation? They will be confused, hurt and furious." She started pacing nervously and then sat again on the bed "Reid has been let down by so many people he trusted that I don't even know if and how he will be able to rely on someone again. Morgan was my partner and my friend and all of a sudden he discovered that I was a totally different person from the one he was convinced to know. Penelope, has a big heart, and I took it and broke it in thousand pieces and it will never be the same. Rossi has been a supportive friend, he always backed me up and I turned him down. Seaver, I offered to mentor her and I was supposed to lead by example, and what example I set. Hotch, has to look the team in the eyes every day and carry the burden of the lie and its consequences on the people he's supposed to lead. What do you think is going to happen to the balance in the team once the truth comes out. Believe me as much as I miss them, they're better off now knowing me dead. Once I am back everything will change, everything will be broken and there's no way back from that."

Clyde listened silently to Emily's speech, finally he gave his own piece of mind "People thinks there's no way back from the death, but you're about to prove them wrong, so I don't see why your team mates shouldn't be able to forgive you. Having you back will override their perplexity and with time everything will be fixed" he saw the uncertainty and fear in her eyes, then he took something out of his pocket "Here, I've got something for you" he handed out a small cotton bag.

Emily opened it and took out the object examining it with suspicious look "oh, a gray, dried mushroom? You know how to get a woman's heart.." she commented blunt.

Clyde sighed and explained "This is not a dried mushroom, Emily. It's a rare desert plant called _Asteriscus hierochunticus _, ever heard about the rose of Jericho? It's a plant adapted to the most extreme environments where rainfalls are just a sporadic event; to survive the long periods of drought they stay closed and seemingly dead as pieces of wood, then when it rains they open up in wonderful flowers and spread the seeds for the future generation. Many species don't even have roots, they wander through the desert carried by the wind until they find favorable conditions to open up" he disappeared to the toilet and put the plant under the running water, few minutes after he came back again handing to a puzzled Emily the now opened flower.

"It's beautiful" she whispered taking into her hands what seemed a chiseled sculpture, few drops of water managed to turn that miserable stunted piece of wood into a beautiful leaving creature. What seemed a frail, defeated being was now revealing to be a strong, unbreakable fighter.

"You are like this flower, Em. Don't underestimate your strength and endurance. You made a lot of sacrifices but now it's time for the rain to come and for you to flower again, my darling."

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for the very kind reviews and for reading and alerting! _

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Over the next few days Emily went on obsessing about the possible scenarios of her reunion with the team.

Clyde had been supporting and convincing and for sure he believed in what he said, but she knew him very well; he was an agent who never failed to get the work down and if necessary he would have told her that walking bare foot on hot coals was a brilliant idea. Truth to be told she couldn't blame him, she wanted Doyle dead as much as he did, but she hated the idea that innocent people, her people, had been caught in the middle of this and suffered so much.

Then there was the truth. How much did her friends need the truth? Did they deserve after the horrors of death to pass through the pains of resurrection? Emily wasn't able to find an answer, but one thing she knew for sure, if it was her in their position she would have wanted to know the whole damn truth, no way someone else could have decided what she was able to handle.

So, after deciding to comply with Clyde's request a wave of panic overthrew her rational ability; she imagined the four of them in line standing in the deserted bull pen and waiting for her - Hotch on one side, because he was the traitor, he knew and didn't say anything- they were there waiting for her to talk, to come up with a convincing apology for all the pain they've been through and to finally judge if she was suitable for forgiveness.

She knew that if they ever decided to take her back it would have been a long process, maybe in the beginning they would have been happy and moved to see her, but then after the moment of commotion the knots would start to surface. They would have wondered which Emily they were dealing with, if one of the previous alter egos or a totally new one. They wouldn't know what to expect, they would have to test the ground to see if this fully disclosed version of her was still fit to be part of the family or if once the dirty laundry had been exposed they couldn't trust her anymore. Dead people are always regarded with more indulgence than alive ones, one thing is to mourn a liar, but to work with her is all another story.

She knew that deep down they would have understood Hotch and JJ's decision to keep the secret; they were agents, they knew how it all worked, but the scar of deception would have hitched for a while.

Reid would have needed time and space before according his trust again, he would have wanted assurance against further betrayal and to get there it would have been a long, bumpy road.

Penelope would have been heartbroken and hurt, for a while she would have kept some distance to survey this new person, to be sure it was her true Emily and not some kind of surrogate, but eventually she would have accepted the _good_ news.

Rossi would have understood, his wisdom and experience would have smoothed his reaction and after monitoring and profiling her, he would have been fine.

Seaver was just a cadet, but she knew well that the dirt hidden beneath the surface is not the whole picture and she wouldn't have treated her as a dodgy freak.

Morgan though was something different; he would have stormed out, with her, Hotch and JJ and then he would have got over it, seemingly. Emily knew that in his moral code there were some cracks that just couldn't be fixed, faults you couldn't make up for and this was one of those. Unlikely he would have ever accepted to partner up with her again.

Imagine to wake up from a nightmare and realize that reality is even worse, but to know that you have to take the risk and open your eyes.

"Wake up Emily!"

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The two cars were crossing a semi-deserted industrial area in the outskirts of Boston, there was a tense gruesome atmosphere among the team since they arrived there, back where everything had began -or ended-.

Joining the task force in charge to track Doyle had been a tug of war, but finally they made it; they all thought that once closed this chapter they would have felt better, but getting closer to Doyle wasn't actually providing any of the expected relief, there was just numbness in their body, their minds, their souls. Slowly they were all realizing that having finally justice wouldn't have made any easier to get over Emily's death, and nobody really wanted to get used to her absence, it was like let her slip away, desecrate her memory.

Derek was driving the car silently focused on his task, even too much, as if any distraction would open the gate of his emotions and he could loose control showing his actual hollowness. At his side Seaver was silently inspecting the squalid landscape of abandoned factories, spotting from time to time a dog trotting around or rummaging the garbage for food. Rossi and Reid were sitting in the back, the older profiler remembering of the friends and colleagues he lost during his career and wondering why he hadn't given up that job yet. Reid was shielding his thoughts behind his sunglasses and unsuccessfully trying to find an activity challenging enough for his mind so as to forget the sad thoughts. For a while at least.

Studies had proved that many families crumbled after the loss of one member, in many ways theirs had proved that theory right; Emily's death drained life and enthusiasm from them, they were all empty shells, the connective once keeping them together now worn and stretched almost to the braking point.

Seaver finally broke the silence "Again, why are we checking this building?"

"As far as the antiterrorism knows, this was last Doyle's hiding place and we are hoping to find some crumbles. It's highly unlikely considering how meticulous he is, but it's worth trying" Rossi answered.

"Ok, so that's why the antiterrorism is coming with us.." she pointed at the car riding before them.

"Technically we are tagging along, we are visitors on this case" Reid clarified distantly.

"Right"

"Practically we are keeping ourselves busy not to admit that this is another dead end" Morgan added with a bitter tone.

"At least we will rule out something" Rossi tried to show the bright side without too much ardor.

"Yeah. It doesn't matter. What matters to me is to find that son of a bitch and then my days at the BAU will be over" Morgan replied dull.

The three pairs of eyes suddenly turned shocked, hurt and scared to those words, another goodbye, another empty desk, another crack in the already precarious balance of their _family_. They all wanted to say something, but they were all to exhausted, sad and angry to elaborate a consistent thought. Instead they went on staring at Morgan, was not for their attention drawn to their friend they would have seen the SUV approaching from the right, they would have maybe noticed the snipers waiting on the roof of the next building. Instead they just saw the car before them loosing control, spinning and then overturning; seconds after the SUV collided with their car crumbling the windows and shattering them on the side of the road. From his position Reid could see a profile coming through the smoke and revealing a familiar face "Doyle" he managed to mumble and then everything went black.

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_I promise to update real soon!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you all for reading and reviewing the previous chapters, I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far... so as promised here's a bit more_

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The phone was ringing. Emily briefly checked the time, 3 am; she was always half awake, never really asleep but still the unexpected call upset her. She got on her elbows and answered, "Wake up Emily!" Clyde's voice was jittery, judging by his breath he was running, but what most worried her was the fact he was using her real name.

"What happened?"

"Change of plans, we're are leaving now. Pack your staff, I'll be there in twenty minutes, no time for explanations"

After she hang up the phone she didn't lose time in conjectures, she hurried to the closet, grabbed her ready to go bag, put on some clothes and washed her face. That's how you do it. That's how a shadow looks like.

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They didn't exchange a word on their way to the car, pacing fast but minding to look inconspicuous. Nobody has to notice you, nobody has to remember your face, dress not too bright and not too scruffy otherwise they will think you're either the femme nikita or a junkie.

Once in the car, the questions.

"What happened?"

"You're going back in now"

"I thought it was due next week"

"The situation changed"

Emily looked at Clyde, who slightly clenched his hands around the steering wheel and reluctantly started to explain, he didn't like to talk while he was driving. "Someone tipped off Doyle, he discovered the bluff and ambushed a team who was going to check one of his hiding places. He took hostages and now he's negotiating their release in exchange for the location of his son"

Emily shook her head biting her inferior lips, no matter what alter ego she was impersonating, some habits would never change; she opened her mouth but immediately aborted the thought, it was not the right time for the "I told you so" reprimand. She took a deep breath and asked instead "So, do we have a mole?"

"Apparently"

"How do we proceed?"

"We selected a restricted number of trustworthy agents, and moved the headquarter to a secure location, meanwhile another team is leading the negotiation"

"Do they know they are a diversion?"

"No"

It was risky but effective; the fewer people knew the truth, the better.

That sounded ironically familiar to her.

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The atmosphere in the room was tense and eerie; three agents were in the hands of a psychopath who had nothing to lose and already killed one of their own.

Garcia was frantically draining information out of several databases, her hands literally flying over the keyboard. Reid was sitting at her side pressing a bag of ice on his temporal lobe, he almost laughed when JJ handed him an aspirin, had she known the kind of _remedies_ he had to use in order to placate his headaches over the past months she would have probably opted for a pipe filled with opium. Instead he placed a feeble smile and swallowed the pill.

Hotch hanged up the phone and took JJ aside to share some confidential information; in the meanwhile Rossi entered the room, his left harm wrapped in a cast and an extensive bruise on his left cheek. The team gathered around him with gruesome expressions, not ready for further bad news "Seaver is fine" he reassured them "but she has a concussion and the doctors want to keep her under observation. How is he holding on?"

"Fine, as far as we know" Hotch answered "Garcia was able to enter the surveillance system of the place and we have a partial view on them" he carried on in his grave tone.

"Ok, what we've got?"

"As far as we know Doyle is in with other twelve men, two of them inside with him and the hostages and the other ten checking the perimeter. It shouldn't be hard to take them out but we can't risk the life of the agents."

"What do we know about the hostages?" Rossi asked again, trying his best not to freak out at the feeling of déjà vu he was sure they were all sharing.

"Three agents. Two of them were in the first car, and…"

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"Morgan? They have Morgan and you tell me only now?" she hissed at him from her seat on the jet.

"Keep your temper for later, Emily. It's not my fault if your team decided to step in" he warned her "They were on their way to search one of Doyle's hiding places. Four member of the AT unit were driving the first car and your team was on the second. Doyle's men ambushed them, took the survivors from the first car and it would have been enough for them if Morgan hadn't tried to stop them. God only knows what he was hoping to accomplish" he commented frustrated raising his hands.

This was not Morgan. The Morgan she knew never gave up the fight, but also knew the difference between being heroic and being suicidal; the Morgan she knew didn't let things fall out of control; but this was not her Morgan, this was an angry, furious agent seeking revenge for a colleague and a friend killed by the man he was just about to catch.

She put her head in her hands, if something happened to him because he had tried to avenge her death she would have never forgiven herself.

Here it is how reality outperforms the nightmare.

"What is the situation with the other members of my team?" she asked.

_My team,_ even if they didn't want her anymore she would have died again ten times in order to protect them.

"Seaver will be kept under observation, but she's fine. She just hasn't learnt to fight with the doctors the way you do. Rossi has a broken arm and Reid has a bump on his head, an aspirin or two and he'll be as good as new"

She thought back at Reid's confession about his headaches and reminded herself to take care of him, if he ever allowed her again.

"What about the hostages?" she then asked, panic transpiring in her voice.

"Two agents of the antiterrorism died in the ambush, the other two and Morgan are fine, apart from being tied to a chair with a gun pointed at their head"

Apart from being tied to a chair, guns pointed at their heads and a terrorist on the verge of the nervous breakdown who has nothing to lose. Awesome. "So we have eyes" she carried on trying to keep it together.

"Yes, they are in an abandoned warehouse. Apparently the previous owner installed surveillance cameras and never disconnected them"

"What did you tell them, about me I mean?" she finally found the courage to inquire.

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"Agent Clyde Easter is in charge of the operation and right now he's on his way back from a safe location" Hotch explained to the task force gathered in the room.

"A safe location?" Reid asked voicing the perplexity of everybody there.

Two agents were down and other three were likely to follow soon unless they were able to provide a psychopathic terrorist with the location - unknown to all of them - of his son, to be used as cannon fodder in exchange for the life of the hostages, and the responsible of the operation vanished without explanation to go somewhere not to be known.

If the present situation rang a bell to the four profilers, they didn't show that.

For the first time in many years Hotch found himself short in words, he looked at his team, almost desperately, silently apologizing for all the sufferance he caused, but there was no time to dwell on these considerations, again one of his agents was in grave danger, again he was called to make a critical decision "Given the extreme nature of this situation and the fact that Doyle already escaped us once, we decided to bring in someone who can help us, someone who has unique information on Doyle and as far as we know one of the few who survived him" he felt a wave of self disgust clutching his throat as he saw the pain of old memories lingering on his team, "Considering our suspicions about the presence of a mole this time we took our precautions. The identity of the informant will be kept secret and only Agent Easter, Agent Jereau, me and my team will interact with him. I understand your frustration but we're are doing this for the best"

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The five profilers held their breath while they were waiting in a separate room for the informant; Morgan's life depended upon the knowledge he could share with them, and they were ready to do everything that was necessary not to lose another friend.

Finally the door opened and a hooded figure was walked in by Clyde, they hadn't seen the Interpol agent since he helped them to find Emily and now the atmosphere wasn't less tense than during their previous encounter. Everybody looked at Clyde with anticipation, everybody but Reid, whose attention was drawn to the informant's hands, those massacred fingernails "It can be.." he murmured.

He looked at the figure while he slowly took a pace forward with begging eyes full of pain and hope, overwhelmed by the fear that he had finally gone crazy for even thinking something like that. His hands were shaking when he removed the hood and couldn't even mumble her name because of the tears getting to his throat and stealing oxygen, his mouth opening and closing like a fish with no sound, his body paralyzed. Rossi faltered as if a dagger was just planted in his heart and probably it wasn't far from the truth, Garcia needed some moments to regain awareness of her legs and run toward her friend, shaking with sobs.

Emily found herself rubbing the analyst back with one hand in the attempt to calm her, and squeezing Reid's arm with the other to make sure he was still blood and flesh and not suddenly turned into a salt sculpture, meanwhile exchanging a touched smile with Rossi and a knowing look with JJ and Hotch, as to tell them she knew the burden they carried for her and how grateful she was for that.

Penelope finally broke the embrace "How? How is it possible? You were dead, there was a funeral… Oh god Emily, I am so upset and angry and happy and desperate and I'm so packed with emotions that I'm going to explode"

"I know, and there are no words to tell you how sorry I am, guys" Emily tried to remember all the speeches she rehearsed during the past nine months, they all sounded lame and pointless, "I promise I will explain everything, answer your questions and disappear again if you're too upset to forgive me. But right now we have to focus on getting Morgan and the other two agents out of there; then I will finally plant a bullet in Doyle's head and this story will be over".

A heavy silence settled in the room after she voiced her intentions, her friends were looking at her with incredulous petrified expressions, a dreadful shared thought lingering in their minds, maybe after all the woman standing in front of them was really a ghost, briefly come back from the dead to accomplish her revenge and then fade again...

_To be Continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you all for reading and reviewing! I've been having troubles in receiving notifications by lately so it's likely that I missed to answer to some reviews, this doesn't mean I don't value and appreciate immensely all your comments..._

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In all those months Morgan had dreamt of this moment several times and now that he was finally face to face with Doyle he felt nothing but sheer determination to kill him.

You hear a lot about those cheesy speeches on understanding how you really care about someone once you lose them, Derek had always felt a wave of self pity when dwelling on that consideration. He didn't allow himself to suffer, to mourn, to regret the lost chances and the parapraxes, all he was after was vendetta, he didn't have illusions on the fact that once he had his revenge he would have felt better day, nonetheless he wanted justice; Emily deserved at least that. In the meanwhile waiting to have any valuable lead on Doyle, he had tried everything, diving into work; tearing apart and rebuilding properties over and over again in a vane tantalization; crying for her; praying for her; acknowledging his affection for her, hating her for running away and not involving him, for having secrets; hating himself for not saving her; until he finally got to a state of numbness, each day just another dot on the calendar and possibly, hopefully a step closer to Doyle. After that? He never focused on long-term projects, but right now there didn't seem much space for a bright future and he didn't mind as long as he made sure to carry Doyle with him to hell.

Derek Morgan had learnt the hard way to be the man of the family, was this his biological family or his extended one at the BAU it made no difference to him. He took care of his people and had their back when they were in troubles, he saved the day, he protected his friend taking a bullet for them if necessary. He had always taken up his role with no hesitation, he had been always allowed to do so, until the day Emily Prentiss showed up and proved to be as though as him, as brave as him and instead of asking his protection, decided to protect him for a change. As much as he understood her reasons, as much as he was overly proud of her friend, he was deadly mad at her for running away and eventually dying, mad at himself for failing her, for getting too late, for not being the one laying on the floor with a stick in his guts.

Being the dying hero had his benefits, you wouldn't survive to experience what's left behind you, day by day waking up full of rage because the world goes on untouched without you. In those months death had been mercy, and survival damnation, but now with Doyle so close things were about to change.

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Ian Doyle walked toward the profiler and stopped few paces away staring at his fearless eyes; he was a merciless killer and had no hesitation against his enemies but as a warrior he appreciated true courage when he saw it. He had immediately known Derek Morgan was a fighter, it was a shame they couldn't be allies, "So, what the BAU is going to do without their action man, agent Morgan?"

"I'll tell you what they won't do, Doyle. They won't give up your son as a pawn" Morgan growled back.

Doyle's jaw clenched at the mention of his son, but then in seconds he regained control "They will. How many agents can they afford to lose?" he smiled smug "Emily was a dirty liar, but you are a hero"

Derek jerked toward him at the mention of Emily.

"What? Don't tell me you liked her.." he felt a jolt of pleasure in seeing Morgan's rage and pain and decided to tease him a little more "But in case you were wondering, you are exactly her type. It must be difficult to keep it professional when you work so close to such a beautiful woman. But you were both professional and never crossed the line, right? Well, too bad for you. If she was even just the shadow of Lauren…" he got closer to whisper to Morgan's ear "Good god. That woman could drive you crazy, she was pure fire between the sheets" he took a step back watching Morgan shaking and growling with rage.

"You thank god that I'm tied to a chair, you son of a bitch. And you pray for your own safety things stay this way" Morgan hissed back as soon as he regained a bit of self-control.

Their confrontation was interrupted by one of Doyle's man coming to report something. The two confabulated a while, then the man left Doyle. Morgan observed the former IRA leader's expression morphing, he nervously rubbed a hand against his face, his eyes became thin gaps and he paced back and forth for a while, then he burst out in fury punching and kicking everything that was in his way. Derek remembered Easter delivering Doyle's profile and defining him as a man obsessed with control to the point of planning meticulously each single step and having rage outburst where things didn't go according to his plans.

When Doyle regained a smidgen of control he went back to Morgan, this time the roles were reverted, Morgan smiling in satisfaction and Doyle fuming with fury "Your people want to play with me? They think I will sit here while they do nothing of what I required?" he shouted furiously "Well, I'll show them who dictates the rules" he holstered his gun and started hitting the profiler, on his face, his stomach, his ribs; after a while Derek stopped feeling pain or minding about the strokes, he just had to keep awake and patient.

* * *

As Emily mentioned her intention to confront Doyle face to face Penelope froze and Reid took a step back, she could swear that the temperature of the room just dropped below the zero.

"So once was not enough, you want to leave us again and go playing the kamikaze while we watch you dying for the second time?" Garcia replied upset.

"Garcia, this time is different. I'm not leaving you, I'm taking part to an operation and other agents will be there providing back up. Right now we have to use all we've got to gain the upper hand on Doyle and the last person he expects to confront is me" Emily tried to reason.

"Okay, but what makes you think this time he won't succeed in killing you?" Reid added in support to the analyst, then he looked at the other agents in the room, pleading for their help in convincing Emily not to go "Why nobody talks? Tell her, tell she's going to get killed for real this time. Tell her it's a suicidal plan"

"It's not. Paradoxically now I'm the person with the highest chance to survive down there" she objected again.

"Why?" Reid inquired almost desperately.

"Because I'm the only one who knows where Declan is, and Doyle won't lose his only chance to find his son" she finally answered.

The profilers exchanged despairing looks, they hadn't even got used to the idea that her friend was still alive and already they had to prepare themselves to the eventuality of losing her all over again.

Hotch surveyed his team with a look full of worry, pondering whether this time he was pushing his team beyond their threshold. He was aware that right now the urgency of the situation required their minds focused on rescuing Morgan and sparing Emily's life, but once this was over his actions and decisions would have been questioned; you cannot be a team leader if your people don't trust you. JJ probably understood what was bothering him because she got close and lightly squeezed his arm "It'll be fine, we'll all be fine. Just, let's take care of one thing at a time, ok?"

Hotch nodded and joined Easter to plan the action.

They were going over the details of the operation when Garcia's scream interrupted the briefing, her eyes glued on the computer monitor in horror, everybody joined her and froze in watching Doyle brutally beating Morgan, in that moment Emily realized how much pain her friends had gone through assisting helpless to her massacre, knowing that she was somewhere being beaten and tortured and they couldn't help it.

Hotch addressed a stern look to his colleagues, he wasn't going to get too late this time "Ok, time for talking's over. The plans have changed now"

* * *

Despite all his efforts at some point Derek gave up to oblivion, he woke up still tied to a chair, the noise of rain drops ticking on the metal roof of the building welcomed his return to consciousness. He slowly surveyed his surroundings, Doyle was adjusting the sleeves of his shirt after working on the other two agents. When he saw that his favorite was awake he grinned and walked toward him "They were not as fun as you, nowadays agents are so easy to break, you show them the electrical equipment and they start wiping as kids, but people like you and Emily are a different story, breaking you requires time and patience. Have I ever tell you how it was to kill her? She almost got me, even after I exhausted her, I hit her, tortured her she was still willing to fight. And even after I drove that stick into her guts, she still wouldn't tell me what I wanted. In this she was right, she beat me because took my son away from me. The only thing that would make her falter was threatening her little family… Would you too die for your family Derek or you will give me what I want?" he leveled his gaze to the profiler's eye.

That moment Morgan saw a glimpse, a fast movement on the roof through one of the broken windows of the building. They were coming and all he needed to do was to make sure this time Doyle wouldn't get away so easily.

He suddenly jerked and threw the both of them on the ground, the chair broke and he found his legs finally free while his hands were still tied behind his back. Doyle's men didn't have the time to react because the swat team was already on them; for a while Derek was able to pin Doyle on the ground but finally the Irish man gained the upper ground and got up pointing a gun at his head. "Game over, Derek" he hissed at him before pulling the trigger, then a sharp noise hissed over his head and blew right through Doyle's chest. His eyes widened in surprise and recognition before a second bullet got to his head and finished him.

That moment Derek felt the tension, the rage, the wait that kept him going all those months melting over his shoulders, like the taut string of a bow which suddenly relaxes after shooting the arrow. He felt his strength collapsing as if he just completed the most demanding mission ever and thought nothing could stop him from finally drifting into oblivion, until a voice he'd never expect to hear again dragged him out of the pith, "Hold on Derek, stay with me"

He opened his eyes and he knew he was either dead or delirious, there was no other explanation to the fact that Emily's ghost was keeping him in her arms holding his head and telling him to hold on.

_to be continued..._


	5. Chapter 5

_To avoid spoilers I put the notes at the end... Enjoy!_

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"He has a concussion, a couple of broken ribs and diffused bruises due the beating, with few days of rest he'll be as good as new, it could have been much worse considering what he's been through. Once the doctors are done you can see him" The whole team relaxed and started breathing again once JJ gave them the good news.

Nine months before in another city, the same scene had a much more gruesome ending and left them all with a raging fear of hospitals.

Seaver had joined the team in the waiting room after being cleared by the doctors and was still coping with the handful of news she was delivered; Emily could catch the young agent giving her some brief looks from time to time as if to check she wasn't a hallucination and was still standing there.

Now that the nightmare was over, Doyle dead and everybody safe, a storm of mixed feeling was starting to emerge in all them and it would have taken time to be processed. Even though from a detached perspective everything looked understandable and rational, it was difficult to swallow the fact they had spent five years with a former spy honored with the medal of bravery, who had then ran away and 'died' before they could confront her with their feelings, and nine months after magically came back to life. For a while they would have gone on wondering what else she was keeping from them and that sentiment would probably extend to Hotch who, though with good reasons, had kept them in darkness, knowing how grief was tearing them apart. Under such conditions to say that they were feeling adrift was an understatement.

All these problems would need to be faced and solved, but right now all they wanted was to be joyful for the return of a friend they believed lost and the fact that they were all alive. There was a nagging question though that needed an immediate answer and they had been exchanging furtive looks, wondering who would voice it, waiting for the appropriate moment which didn't seem to come; so once the good news about Morgan's state was delivered, Reid decided he couldn't stand the uncertainty anymore "Are you staying, or are you vanishing again?" there was urge and despair in his vehement question to Emily.

She expected it to come, she also expected it would be from Reid, yet his words hit her like a blast; she opened her mouth but it took a minute before she was actually able to give an answer "I'd love to, but I think the final response depends on whether you can still trust me or not. On my side I can tell you that I'm ready to spend the rest of my life making it up to you for the pain I've caused, but I also know there are some things that, even with all the good will of the world, cannot be fixed" she felt the weight of her words falling on her friends like boulders, she hated that they had been through so much and most of it because of her, she hated that things were now so complicated and that they had to face that choice, but she also knew – they all did- that things would never be the same anymore, even if she was back.

"Sweetie, of course we want you back, you are family" Garcia almost cried with emotion.

"Penelope, I will always be here as your friend…" she bit her lip choosing carefully her words "you need to be able to trust your team mates and no matter how good my intentions were, the moment I walked out of the bureau nine months ago I violated this trust and I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't grant it to me anymore."

Penelope tried to answer but stopped halfway, it was horrible to realize that having their friend back was not going to be plain sailing and the ending not necessarily a happy one; truth was that as much as they all desperately wanted to be happy for Emily's return, they couldn't ignore the complexity of the situation which gave a bitter taste to her reappearance.

Finally the nurse came by to announce they could visit Morgan and they were all grateful that the conversation was interrupted and their response delayed.

/

When the profilers entered Derek's room, he was exhausted but conscious; Emily, instinctively used to keep the option of running away open, stayed in the back row. She felt a dagger in her heart when she heard him ask right away "Was she real?"

The group of profilers set aside to let her come forth and she had to force herself to walk toward Derek's bed; few hours back it had been so easy and natural to sit at his side reassuring him and when he abandoned himself in her embrace so unconditionally, she actually believed that maybe there was a chance of being forgiven, now instead she wasn't sure about that anymore and fear was petrifying her.

Derek looked at her, despair, anger, sadness, relief, regret all darting at her like poisonous arrows, he didn't say a word, he just clenched his jaw and moved his gaze to a spot on the opposite wall.

Emily exchanged a look with the others and who all took their goodbye to Derek and left them two alone. For a while they both sat silent and still, nobody of them knowing where to begin.

"I don't even know where to start, Derek" she finally whispered

He shot her a piercing look "The truth would be something to begin with"

"The truth" she chuckled with despondency, as if the truth was this one faced coin, this magical cure able to fix everything. He already knew the truth, most of it at least, but he needed to hear it from her, even though it wouldn't have changed things, nonetheless she gave him what he was asking for "during my time undercover with Doyle I had to do things I'm not proud of to get the work done, I had to get my hands dirty and to get under his skin and even if you think I did despicable actions, I would do it all again knowing all the lives I saved." Derek flinched at her admission "Then when he found me and threatened the team, I knew there was no chance for a happy ending and running away was the only chance to protect you." He gave another flinch, still keeping his eyes away from her "After you found me and Doyle took the run, Hotch and JJ received orders from above to fake my death and were bound to silence with you all. I woke up after two surgeries to find out that a new life, built on lies and solitude, had been set for me, and I didn't have a saying in that. I couldn't say goodbye, I couldn't come back because you all thought me dead. I spent nine months hiding, devoting every breathing second to track Doyle, only the fear he could get to you all kept me going. I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I stopped hoping.. Day by day I became a shadow, loosing perception of myself, loosing track of who I was, because the only people who ever gave meaning and direction to my existence were moving on and getting used to a life in which I wasn't anymore. For nine months your words were the only reminder that I was once human and worthy of friendship and affection, even though I didn't have any illusion to get this back"

"How do I know this is finally the truth?" he asked angrily, barely looking at her.

"Derek, you were the first one to sense there was something wrong with me, I just couldn't hide from you, I never could…"

"It seems to me you could and very well. Otherwise I wouldn't have let you run away on a suicidal spree, you fooled us all. So I'm not sure I wanna believe you anymore" he remarked again, and this time he wasn't sure if he was more upset with her or with himself, or if it was just a question of hurt pride for not being the man of the situation.

"Look, I know you feel betrayed and I get it, I get how much trust is important to you. If you don't want to trust me or to see me anymore I understand that.." she took a pause, as if to gather the courage to go on "but you _know_ my heart, Derek. Unconditionally. Whether you like it or not you already know the truth, it's not hidden in some corner of my shadowy past or in the sordid details of my affair with a terrorist. It's in plain sight under your eyes, enclosed in each instant we spent together over the last five years. The person you worked and lived and shared good and bad moments with, that is the one standing right now in front of you, she never tried to deceive you. But of course I don't expect to change your mind and whatever you decide, I will accept it".

There was a long silence afterward. Morgan didn't react when she lightly placed a hand on his shoulder, he kept his stubborn silence and his gaze locked away, only when she silently slid out of the room in defeat he let his wet eyes follow her until she disappeared.

/

"I am sorry I threw all this on you" she said sitting down beside her former unit chief in the waiting room.

"It's okay. You didn't exactly decide it and I guess the past months were not easier for you than for the rest of us" Hotch countered "and at least we could rely on our reciprocal comfort"

Emily nodded distantly as if her thoughts were caught somewhere else, far away from there "How's Jack?" she suddenly changed the topic, the last thing she needed now was to indulge in this loop of self commiseration, which wasn't doing any good to anyone.

"He's fine. Growing too fast and becoming too smart, he looks a lot like Haley" he feebly smiled "Prentiss you look exhausted, why don't you get some sleep?" he then got back to her.

"I will" she said without putting to much effort in her lie.

"Ok, good. I'll see you tomorrow" Hotch looked at her not pretending to believe her, he was the last one who could set an example in this circumstance.

Rossi exchanged a look full of understanding and support to Hotch before taking his place at Emily's side.

"I almost thought I gave you a heart attack before" she started.

"I'm too old to play with ghosts, Emily" he jerked back "It's insanely good and weird, but good to have you back. And if you ever want to talk you know I'm here" he squeezed her hand, and for a moment they both felt as if those months of agony never happened, as if Ian Doyle and Lauren Reynolds never crossed paths with their lives.

"I'm sorry for your arm" she offered with broken voice. Rossi was the first one to offer help without asking anything and without forcing her or pretending things were back to normal.

"Yeah, well Erin owes me some holidays anyway" he joked. "Now, I believe someone else wants to talk to you" he hugged her and went to collect Seaver in the waiting room and they both went toward the exit. The young agent waved at her with a smile before leaving.

Penelope fast approached hugging her again, then she took a step back "just promise we will talk, and you'll not freak me out like this anymore" she almost begged.

Emily gave an affirmative smile.

"Then, whatever it takes we will fix it. And as to the stubborn beautiful man in that room, you know him. Even though he tried to be strong for us, he was broken and will need time. But don't worry, love is something you don't erase so easy from your heart. Now get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow. Right?" she hugged her, almost afraid to let her go and lose her all over again.

"Pen, you don't know how good it is to have you around again" she whispered before letting go.

Reid was keeping a safety distance; almost afraid to get too close and find out that she was just a vision.

"How's your headaches?" she moved toward him.

"Still a mystery to the doctors" he answered a bit disoriented, not sure they could pick up the conversation where they left it considering the circumstance, and after all that time.

"Maybe the doctors really _cannot_ do anything" She proposed.

Reid shot her a confused glance, apparently they could indeed pick up that conversation, and it felt so familiar, so good.

"When I was _away_ I started experiencing excruciating pains in my chest" she avoided mentioning the branding thing "I went to see different doctors, thinking it had something to do with my tortures and my wounds, but nobody could find a medical cause"

"So, what did you do?" he asked.

"I stopped fighting the pain. I let it come, overthrow me for all the time necessary and then go" It felt in someway liberating to start disclosing the horror of those months.

"Did they stop?" he asked eagerly.

"No, but they're becoming less and less intense" she smiled back.

Reid gave her a look that morphed from perplexed to confused.

"Just let it go. Stop controlling everything, Spence" she smiled.

"But what if I lose myself?" he asked terrified.

"It won't happen, your family won't let you. I learnt it the hard way"

Reid took her hand in his, she hadn't vanished, it was definitely Emily and she was back "Welcome back home, Emily" he smiled before going away.

It was incredibly exhausting but it felt great to see them all again, to confront them and having a chance to explain, to feel that despite all the difficulties she was home and there was something to hope for.

She finally crept back into Morgan's room where he had given up to weariness and seemingly fell asleep; she took his hand in hers and sat down beside him.

"I'm sorry I failed you" he took her aback with his husky voice, giving her shivers because she hadn't realized how much she had missed him.

"I run away with all my secrets, almost got you killed and you think you failed me?" she asked bewildered, wondering if this was some kind of test.

"I promised you could trust me with anything, that I wouldn't let you down. But when you vanished I was so angry and hurt and quick in judging you. Only after discovering what you did for Declan I realized how brave and selfless you had been, but I got too late and you had to spend all those months alone, in hell". After a long time Morgan was releasing the clot of guilt and regret that had been choking him for months, Emily standing at his side listening to his words, it was like a godsend second chance, an intense and surreal momentum.

"It was hell for everybody. And it'll take time to all of us to deal with the aftermath of this story." She finally reassured him "Derek, I understand you want to know everything, but there are some shadows, some horrors that I can't possibly.."

"It's okay" he squeezed her hand " I know. And if you ever want to talk about them I'm here. You're not alone, ever again."

She smiled grateful, it had been a long, excruciating journey, but now finally she was home.

A solitary tear ran down her cheek, "Now get some rest, Morgan. I'll be here when you wake up".

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_Thank you everybody so much for your wonderful reviews! I tried to write this chapter so many times and still I'm not satisfied with it, but maybe this is exactly the point. It's such a complex situation that it's not possible to expect closure or a distinct feeling, just a promise of hope. Anyway I'd love to hear your opinions and feedback._

_The story is over, but not so much... I intend to write other short stories or one-shot to see how Emily and the team cope with her return._


	6. AN

A/N: The sequel to this story is up and it's called "what's left of me"

Enjoy!


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